Stuff We Wish We Had Paid Closer Attention To Back When We Were Inventing New Uses for Our iPhone 3G

Full moons.

Stupid questions.

Fifth place in the backstroke.

Not entirely irrational obsessions with monsters and loudly flushing toilets and prunish old ladies.

TV shows about gigantic hog-swallowing reptiles and luminous frogs and how to survive in Papua New Guinea using nothing but a bicycle seat and a gallon container of Hellmann’s Mayonnaise.

Finding Papua New Guinea on a map. Discussion of rain forests. Discussion of cannibalism.

Canadian pennies. Dead lithium batteries. Eviscerated desktops. Abandoned bicycle seats.

Variations on shameless nudity: Just shirt. Just hat. Just socks.

Bath toys. Bath songs. Drunken-sounding soliloquies.

Imaginary friends.

“The oldest woman in the world was 122 and lived in France and rode a bicycle for the first time in her nineties. The oldest tortoise was named Tu’i Malila. The oldest sponge lives in Antarctica.”

Tic-tac-toe.

“Oblivious is a pretty good word.”

Gooseberries. Fiddleheads. Purple potatoes.

Cranes. Blimps. Water towers. The baby grand piano getting shoehorned into a 14th story window. Fugitive balloons.

Sandcastles.

“Bankrobcy’s a pretty good word.”

Not obsessed with toilets anymore.

Missing tooth number 4, and number 7.

Groundhog Day. National Underwear Day. The longest day of the year, and the shortest.